When someone you care about is experiencing domestic violence, it's natural to feel a mix of emotions: concern, frustration, helplessness, and a strong desire to help. Your willingness to offer support can make a profound difference in their journey.
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It's important to understand that domestic violence is complex, and the survivor's journey to safety and healing is their own. While you can't "fix" the situation for them, you can be a vital source of strength, validation, and practical support. This page is designed to offer guidance on how to be a truly helpful ally, using a trauma-informed approach that centers their needs and choices.
 
The Power of Compassionate Support
Survivors often face immense psychological and emotional challenges due to the abuse, including eroded self-esteem, isolation, fear, and a distorted sense of reality. Your approach can either reinforce or help dismantle these impacts.

Here are key ways to offer trauma-informed support:

1. Listen and Believe Them:

   • Prioritize listening over advising. Let them share their story at their own pace, without interruption or judgment.

   • Validate their experiences and feelings. Phrases like, "I believe you," "What you're going through sounds incredibly difficult," or "It's not your fault" can be healing.

   • Avoid victim-blaming questions like "Why don't you just leave?" or "What did you do to make them angry?" These questions can increase shame and silence them.

2. Respect Their Choices and Autonomy:

   • Abuse is about power and control. Empowering a survivor means respecting their decisions, even if you don't fully understand them or if they don't align with what you think they "should" do.

   • Offer options, don't give ultimatums. Instead of "You need to leave," try "I'm here to support you in exploring your options when you're ready."

   • Recognize that leaving an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous time for a survivor. There are many complex reasons why someone might stay, including safety concerns, financial dependence, children, pets, or love for their partner.

3. Offer Practical, Non-Judgmental Help:

   • Ask what they need. Instead of assuming, ask, "How can I help you right now?" or "What kind of support would be most helpful?"

   • Help with safety planning: This can include identifying safe places to go, creating an emergency bag, or establishing a code word. Our agency can help with this.

   • Assist with practical tasks: Offer help with childcare, transportation, a safe place to store important documents, or a temporary place to stay if it's safe for you to do so.

   • Provide information about resources, but let them lead: Share information about the Violence Prevention Center, hotlines, legal advocacy, or counseling, but allow them to decide when and how they want to access these services.

4. Educate Yourself on Domestic Violence:

   • Understanding the dynamics of domestic violence, the cycle of abuse, and common abuser tactics (like gaslighting or isolation) will equip you to better support your loved one.

   • Learn about digital safety and potential risks associated with technology in abusive relationships (e.g., tracking apps, monitoring devices). Our website has resources on this.

5. Maintain Boundaries and Practice Self-Care:

   • Supporting a survivor can be emotionally taxing. It's crucial to set healthy boundaries and prioritize your own well-being.

   • Reach out for your own support if you feel overwhelmed. Organizations like ours offer resources for allies and loved ones.

   • Remember, you cannot be their sole source of support. Encourage them to connect with professionals who specialize in domestic violence, like the staff here at the Violence Prevention Center

 
When to Seek Immediate Help
If your loved one or their children are in immediate danger, please call 911 without hesitation.
 
We Are Here For You Too
Supporting a loved one through domestic violence can be a challenging and complex process. Our agency is here not only for survivors but also for their caring friends, family members, and allies. We can provide:

• Confidential consultation: Talk to an advocate about how to best support your loved one.

• Information and resources: Learn more about domestic violence and local support services.

• Guidance on safety planning that includes how you can safely support someone.

 

You are not alone in wanting to help. We stand with you.

 Contact us at 618-235-0892