“Why Don’t They Just Leave?” Understanding the Real Barriers Survivors Face

It’s a question that too many survivors of domestic violence hear — from friends, family, and sometimes even from themselves: “Why don’t they just leave?”

But for those experiencing abuse, leaving is not that simple. In fact, it can be the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. The Violence Prevention Center of Southwestern Illinois works with survivors every day who face a complex web of barriers that make “just leaving” nearly impossible without safety planning and support.

Here are some of the most common — and misunderstood — reasons why survivors stay:

Fear and Intimidation

Many survivors fear what will happen if they try to leave. Abusers often use threats, violence, or control tactics involving children or pets to keep victims trapped. The risk of being seriously hurt or killed actually increases when someone attempts to leave. That fear is real — and it’s one of the most powerful tools an abuser uses.

Lack of Resources

Abusers often control every aspect of a survivor’s finances — credit cards, paychecks, transportation, even housing. Economic abuse leaves many victims without money, identification, or a safe place to go. For someone with children, disabilities, or limited income, this can make leaving feel impossible. Homelessness is a very real risk for survivors escaping violence.

Intersectional Considerations

Survivors who belong to marginalized communities often face additional barriers. An abuser might use their victim’s immigration status, language barrier, disability, or fear of being outed against them. These intersections of identity can intensify fear, isolation, and risk — especially when survivors already face discrimination or mistrust of systems meant to help.

Community and Cultural Pressure

Sometimes, the pressure to stay comes from outside the relationship. Cultural, religious, or family expectations can make survivors feel like leaving will bring shame or rejection. For some, staying feels like protecting their family’s reputation or maintaining their sense of belonging in a community that might not understand.

Emotional and Psychological Abuse

Abusers don’t just use physical violence — they manipulate emotions. Gaslighting, blame-shifting, and control can make a survivor doubt their own judgment or feel responsible for the abuse. Over time, this erodes self-confidence and independence. Many survivors simply don’t believe they have the power or right to leave.

Long-Term Health Effects

The trauma of abuse takes a deep toll on both body and mind. Chronic stress, anxiety, depression, and physical injuries can leave survivors without the energy, clarity, or stability they need to plan their next steps. Healing begins with safety, but getting there can take time.

Feelings and Attachment

Not every moment in an abusive relationship is abusive. Survivors often still have love, history, and hope tied up in the relationship. They may believe their partner can change or want to protect their family from breaking apart. Most survivors don’t want the relationship to end — they want the abuse to end.

Respecting Survivors’ Decisions

Leaving an abusive relationship is never as simple as walking out the door. Every survivor’s situation is different, and every decision is deeply personal. That’s why our role as a community is not to judge, but to believe, support, and empower survivors to make the choices that are safest for them.

Whatever their reasons for staying or leaving, survivors deserve respect and support in their decisions.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, help is available.

Violence Prevention Center of Southwestern Illinois

24/7 Crisis Line: 618-235-0892